Say it with shrapnel

So after you’ve taken the garbage out and shot oscar in the face you can return to your house as a man and a hero. Now you can knock back a beer and fart into the sofa or you can profess your undying (so long as your socks get cleaned) love to your significant other. I’m not referring to the automatic rifle that you use for hunting rabbits.

You can do this in two ways.

You can chug your beer down in three seconds, burp and say ‘I did that for you.” Always special when you choreograph it with a fart into the sofa. It’s a sure fire winner.

The other needs a little preparation but the pay off is worth it. Turn off the television (be brave now, it’s not gone forever). Turn down the lights, put on some pretty music (Marilyn Manson’s ‘The Beautiful People’ does not count, unfortunately) and get some caveman light going. Candles are good. A nice soft glow that hides all your worst facial deformities.

This is even better.

I mean a hand grenade oil lamp made from decommissioned US military ordinance, what the hell?

Who would buy this?

Barry White, KFC and these little puppies setting the mood. I am disturbed.

My prediction? A whole heap of women on Mother’s Day this year saying… absolutely nothing. It would have to be a ‘words escape me’ moment.

A song of seduction for those struggling with the concept of pretty music.

So I lied.

~ by hitmahip on 21 May, 2008.